Here are two more poems that I have written. I suffered through a patch of writers block in between these two pieces, but I am happy to have words again. Again, these are rough drafts and I would love some feedback…mom.
Florence, September 23, 2012
The Fakir
The people had gathered in a circle
looking intently
at the spectacle in the center
Florentines and tourists alike
all stopped
draw in like moths to a flame
Even the gypsies stopped their begging
if only for a moment
to ponder the man before them
There he stood, or sat
I could not be sure
for nothing but his staff touched the ground
Shrouded in orange
reminiscent of pumpkins at Halloween
he remained
He remained
solemn as the statues
that stand silently, stoically
underneath the loggia in Palazzo Vecchio
His face expressionless
locked in concentration
Only his eyes greeted the crowd
Occasionally rasing a hand
to present a generous bystander
with a rolled piece of paper
A Pearl of Wisdom
He remained there
motionless for a long time
Long after his curly haired neighbor had finished
the final verse of Halleluiah
and his last notes had been lost
in the full Florence air
he remained
I could not help
but remain with him
puzzled and awestruck
Transfixed on the man
in the center of the circle
The sun began to set
and still he remained
the golden light
dancing a slow, beautiful waltz
through each fold of his orange robes
A dog pulled at his leash
but his owner did not notice
Spellbound by the levitating man
he was destined to stay
As long as the mystery remained
he would stay
As the curly haired man
sang about the sound of silence
I collected my things
and I left the mysterious man behind
Unsolved
Florence, October 2, 2012
To Win, One Must Lose
It finally happened
That sinking feeling
when you reach into your pockets
and something is missing.
Reassuring myself
that there will be
someone upstairs to
answer my incessant
ringing.
Yet there is nothing
and the buzzing sound
that would calm my mind
and bring me home
never comes.
I have no choice
but to post up
on the cold, thankless
sidewalk and wait.
Large dirty pigeons
lumbering sumo wrestlers
challenge their smaller
swifter sparrow counterparts
for the breadcrumbs
that scatter the sidewalk.
Hundreds of people
walk by pausing
only briefly to question
with inquisitive eyes
my choice for a seat
I have no response.
A few familiar faces
pass silently
like ships in the night
there is nothing
they can do.
I am an old
weather worn fisherman
rod in hand, hook in water
bobber bobbing monotonously
in the vast endless ocean
waiting for a jerk or a nibble
or something.
Anything.
KInda love that you asked for feedback from your mom. Kinda think that kind of feedback will keep you from saying everything you might. (I say this as someone who still asks for feedback from you mom) So what the heck do I know.
Ok, I have tons of suggestions for the first poem. I wasn’t really getting the point of it until I saw the photograph. I thought it was lovely sounding with interesting images, but it wasn’t talking to me. The more I read it, the better it has gotten. However, I suggestions that I think will tighten the rhythm and flow and make your powerful imagery and alliteration, etc. more beautiful and fluent. I don’t know how much room I have to comment so I’ll only comment on the poem “Fakir” right now and send another comment for the other poem (which I like very much).
First line: No need for “The”
Second line: “to look intently” stronger than the passive “looking”
Sixth line: drawn not draw and don’t use the cliche “to a flame”. Keep the moth image if you want but don’t use the hackneyed “flame” maybe have a more specific fire or light or heat image
I like the gypsies line – I like many of the lines actually
Thirteenth line: I would write it this way: “Shrouded in the orange of Halloween pumpkins, he remained” The other way was wordy
Line 23: “raising” not rasing
Line 26: I don’t know if I like “Pearl of Wisdom” – cliche again
Line 28: no need for “for a long time” just write “motionless”
Line 29: small “l” for long
Line 30: The final Hallelujah no need for “verse of” and correct your spelling of Hallelujah
Line 31: “his last notes lost” the line should read – no “and”
Line 32: no need for this line at all
Line 36: small “t” for transfixed
Line 45: small “s” for spellbound
Line 47: small “a” for as
Line 48: No need for this line at all
OK I love the orange imagery, your use of alliteration in 3 different places, mixed profound and mundane images (the dog pulling on the leash for example) I like the specifics: loggia of Piazza Vecchio and Florentine air, etc.
I will send another comment on the other poem another time. This analysis of The Fakir has taken me close to an hour to jot down my thoughts and then type them up to you.