Before and After: Eight Days days of writers block

Here are two more poems that I have written. I suffered through a patch of writers block in between these two pieces, but I am happy to have words again. Again, these are rough drafts and I would love some feedback…mom.

Florence, September 23, 2012 

The Fakir

The people had gathered in a circle

looking intently

at the spectacle in the center

 

Florentines and tourists alike

all stopped

draw in like moths to a flame

Even the gypsies stopped their begging

if only for a moment

to ponder the man before them

 

There he stood, or sat

I could not be sure

for nothing but his staff touched the ground

 

Shrouded in orange

reminiscent of pumpkins at Halloween

he remained

 

He remained

solemn as the statues

that stand silently, stoically

underneath the loggia in Palazzo Vecchio

 

His face expressionless

locked in concentration

Only his eyes greeted the crowd

Occasionally rasing a hand

to present a generous bystander

with a rolled piece of paper

A Pearl of Wisdom

 

He remained there

motionless for a long time

Long after his curly haired neighbor had finished

the final verse of Halleluiah

and his last notes had been lost

in the full Florence air

he remained

 

I could not help

but remain with him

puzzled and awestruck

Transfixed on the man

in the center of the circle

 

The sun began to set

and still he remained

the golden light

dancing a slow, beautiful waltz

through each fold of his orange robes

 

A dog pulled at his leash

but his owner did not notice

Spellbound by the levitating man

he was destined to stay

As long as the mystery remained

he would stay

 

As the curly haired man

sang about the sound of silence

I collected my things

and I left the mysterious man behind

Unsolved

 

Florence, October 2, 2012

To Win, One Must Lose

It finally happened

That sinking feeling

when you reach into your pockets

and something is missing.

 

Reassuring myself

that there will be

someone upstairs to

answer my incessant

ringing.

 

Yet there is nothing

and the buzzing sound

that would calm my mind

and bring me home

never comes.

 

I have no choice

but to post up

on the cold, thankless

sidewalk and wait.

 

Large dirty pigeons

lumbering sumo wrestlers

challenge their smaller

swifter sparrow counterparts

for the breadcrumbs

that scatter the sidewalk.

 

Hundreds of people

walk by pausing

only briefly to question

with inquisitive eyes

my choice for a seat

I have no response.

 

A few familiar faces

pass silently

like ships in the night

there is nothing

they can do.

 

I am an old

weather worn fisherman

rod in hand, hook in water

bobber bobbing monotonously

in the vast endless ocean

waiting for a jerk or a nibble

or something.

Anything.

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About thehpubandana

I am currently a Junior in college at High Point University in High Point, North Carolina. However, this year I am studying abroad in Florence, Italy with the SACI school. I am a studio art major, with a passion for photography, skateboarding, and yelling Title Fight with my friends. CHUH!!
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2 Responses to Before and After: Eight Days days of writers block

  1. KInda love that you asked for feedback from your mom. Kinda think that kind of feedback will keep you from saying everything you might. (I say this as someone who still asks for feedback from you mom) So what the heck do I know.

  2. Youknowwho says:

    Ok, I have tons of suggestions for the first poem. I wasn’t really getting the point of it until I saw the photograph. I thought it was lovely sounding with interesting images, but it wasn’t talking to me. The more I read it, the better it has gotten. However, I suggestions that I think will tighten the rhythm and flow and make your powerful imagery and alliteration, etc. more beautiful and fluent. I don’t know how much room I have to comment so I’ll only comment on the poem “Fakir” right now and send another comment for the other poem (which I like very much).
    First line: No need for “The”
    Second line: “to look intently” stronger than the passive “looking”
    Sixth line: drawn not draw and don’t use the cliche “to a flame”. Keep the moth image if you want but don’t use the hackneyed “flame” maybe have a more specific fire or light or heat image

    I like the gypsies line – I like many of the lines actually

    Thirteenth line: I would write it this way: “Shrouded in the orange of Halloween pumpkins, he remained” The other way was wordy
    Line 23: “raising” not rasing
    Line 26: I don’t know if I like “Pearl of Wisdom” – cliche again
    Line 28: no need for “for a long time” just write “motionless”
    Line 29: small “l” for long
    Line 30: The final Hallelujah no need for “verse of” and correct your spelling of Hallelujah
    Line 31: “his last notes lost” the line should read – no “and”
    Line 32: no need for this line at all
    Line 36: small “t” for transfixed
    Line 45: small “s” for spellbound
    Line 47: small “a” for as
    Line 48: No need for this line at all

    OK I love the orange imagery, your use of alliteration in 3 different places, mixed profound and mundane images (the dog pulling on the leash for example) I like the specifics: loggia of Piazza Vecchio and Florentine air, etc.

    I will send another comment on the other poem another time. This analysis of The Fakir has taken me close to an hour to jot down my thoughts and then type them up to you.

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